feeling sorry for myself

I'm feeling sorry for myself and want to whine a little. (I'm in such a funk I don't want to talk to anyone so that's why I'm writing it here instead of calling one of my loving support system.)

A few weeks ago our agency called and said they had a girl they'd like to show our profile to. Since there were some delicate issues we were given extensive information about the girl, her pregnancy, her baby and her situation so we could decide if we would be comfortable parenting her child. With about 60 seconds discussion we said we would love them to show her our profile (they were giving her a few at the same time).

I knew I shouldn't have gotten all excited but I did. We discussed how, if she chose us, we would address certain aspects of the particular situation. Since we were told the baby's due date I've become obsessed with the date and almost every other thought has been about it. Every time a date or event was mentioned I've thought of it as pre or post the birth of our possible child. Logically I knew I was getting carried away but I let myself get excited about the possibility.

I just received word that the girl is reconsidering parenting her child. I DO NOT begrudge that fact. I'm glad, for her sake and her child's sake, she is making that decision now. She and her child will continue to be in my prayers.

I also do not need to be told that this is God's plan and our child will enter our lives according to His plan. Logically I know this, just as I knew I shouldn't get too invested in this possibility.

I'm just feeling very crushed right now. My heart's pretty tender, my stomach's a little twisty and it's hard to see the computer screen through my eyes. We've been trying to start a family since December 2002 and have only experienced disappointments. Sometimes I feel like the phrase "I know God only gives me what I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." was written about us.